משלי- כעס ומריבה

The גר'א divides ספר משלי into three parts:
1. חכמה - פרק א-ט talk about acquiring חכמה through יראת ה' and gives us משלים of how not to acquire חכמה.
2. מוסר - words of מוסר that שלמה said בסדר אמרם.
3. תורה- but doesn’t אשת חיל fall into this category? It’s a משל to תורה.

טו:כד אורח- דרך
למשכיל- לאדם החכם
סור- שהוא מנע
משאול מטה- גיהנום

מ''ד אורח- teaches us the way that a person should live his life: חיים ל מעלה- a life full of רוחניות and a life that goes upward. If he lives like this, at the end of his life he’ll go to גן עדן. Otherwise, he’ll go to גיהנום.

רבינו בחיי A smart person realizes that this world is nothing and "אורח חיים למעלה"- עוה''ב is what is real. He therefore separates himself from the תאוות of עוה''ז and doesn’t focus on them, "למען סור משאול מטה". משל- a person who is living in a temporary home doesn’t invest in it, rather he waits to invest until he has a permanent home. נמשל- in עוה''ז, we should only be busy with becoming closer to ה' and get ourselves ready for our permanent home of עוה''ב.


שאול מטה אורח חיים למעלה
תאוות עוה''ז העולם הקבוע ועיקרי= עוה''ב רבינו בחיי
גיהנום עצה: להחיות חיים של עלי' מ''ד


אורח= אוֹרֵחַ. The נשמה is a guest in עוה''ז, it’s trapped and uncomfortable.

טז:כה עמל תעמלו- תעבוד קשה לזה
אכף- הכריח
פיהו- הפה שלו

This פסוק is written in a question form.

מלבי''ם נפש עמל תעמול- a פה with its תאוות can force a רוחניותדיק person to busy all day with its requests. This is really just a משל to all תאוות. Some people let their תאוות engulf them and they are constantly busy with them. The real you is your נשמה. Many times, your wants and drives are really those of your נשמה, but you stuff them up with גשמיות. You can’t have two עקרים in life and if you don’t work on yourself, the גשמיות will take over. One must suppress his גשמיות so that his רוחניות can take over. Though certain things in life may seem exciting, by choosing the right thing you’ll ultimately be happy. Don’t give up your נשמה. Story- Esther was sent to Siberia, were everyone wore certain vests and boots. She couldn’t afford them, so she worked hard until she had enough money to buy them. When she was finally able to buy them, she did and felt so good about herself. Eventually, she was able to leave Siberia. On the train back to Moscow she was wearing these garments and a little boy pointed at her and commented on her strange garments. She realized that these were the garments of Siberia and they were disgraceful, so she immediately removed them. נמשל- when we come to עוה''ב, we are going to be so embarrassed because what we worked so hard for in this world is really a huge בזיון.

מכתב מאליהו Two stories from the גמרא:
1. A man was sleeping in a graveyard and he overheard two people talking- one wanted to go check out the world, but the other one didn’t want to come because she was buried in cheap טכרחים.
2. A man was sleeping in a graveyard and he overheard two people talking- one wanted to go check out the world, but the other one didn’t want to come because she wasn’t wearing any makeup.
A person’s פנמיות is established in this world and it stays with him forever. The degree to which a person connects to רוחניות in עוה''ז is how much he’ll enjoy in עוה''ב.

גר''א sheet A person is called "הולך", in contrast to מלאכים who are constantly standing and are therefore called "עומד". If you’re not going up, then you are going down. R’ Keller says that it can be compared to an escalator.

ר' אהרן
משה נח
איש האלוקים איש צדיק
↑ ↓
איש מצרי איש האדמה

What caused נח’s ירידה? The פסוק says, "ויחל נח איש האדמה ויטע כרם". ויחל נח= נעשה חולין- became desecrated in some way. אדם saw a מבול that destroyed the world. Now, it was up to him to build up the world. His מבט should have been, “What does ה' want from me?”, a רוחניותדיק outlook, an outlook of עלי', because in life if you’re not going up then you’re going down.
What caused משה’s עלי'? The פסוק says, "אתה החילת להראות את עבדך את גדלך ואת ידך החזקה"- when משה wanted to go into א''י, before he asked, he praised ה' with this פסוק. משה used the word "החילת"- started. You have just started to teach me and I have so much more to grow. A person can go either up or down and משה was going up. Even א''י- he wanted to go in so that he could grow.

Words that are a manifestation of anger: annoyed, aggravated, irritated, resentful, frustrated.

Why is it important to be aware of these הרגשות? Society has no control over their anger and doesn’t know how to deal with things. When a person allows these feeling to build up, they lose control. This is a מידה that escalates if not dealt with.

רמב''ם sheet א- in all מידות, a person should act בדרך בינוני. How? They shouldn’t get mad at every little thing, but they shouldn’t be like a dead person with no feelings. He should be a בינוני- get mad about big things.
ב- כעס is a really bad מידה. A person should distance himself to the opposite extreme. One should train himself not to get mad even at things that deserve such a reaction.
א and ב seem to contradict each other! Story- R’ Yisrael Salanter was giving מוסר, and the whole time he was murmuring to himself, "כעס הפנימה, לא כעס הלב". If you want to teach people not to do something wrong, you should act as though you are mad so that they’ll learn. But on the inside, you must be calm. When a person uses כעס, it shouldn’t be a כעס פנימי, it should be a כעס חיצוני- external and not controlling.

Someone who’s a כועס is a בעל עבירה:
1. Connection between anger and doing חטאים- someone who gets upset will be חוטא.
2. "כל הכועס..."- Someone who gets angry can find all kinds of גיהנום ruling over him- "הסר מברך...".

ח''ח When a person does a חטא, he gets a specific עונש for that חטא. But a בעל כעס does so many עבירות, so he gets so many punishments.

כט:כב איש אף- כעסן
יגרה- יתחיל
מדון- מריבה
רב- פשע

מ''ד איש אף- a כעסן instigates fighting.

רב פשע- why? Because when he’s made, he doesn’t pay attention to what he does and therefore he has many עבירות. A כועס is also כופר בעיקר- "אפילו שכינה אינה חשובה כנגדו".

What’s the connection between כעס and כפירה? When דוד was running away from אבשלום, שמעי בן גרא came out and cursed him. דוד’s people told him to kill שמעי, but דוד said to leave him alone because he realized that it’s from ה'.

מקורות sheet התנאי השני- ה' knows every detail of every person’s life- nothing is bypasses. You may think that He spaces out, but He never does. Everything that happens is with ה'’s ידיעה. Not one step is taken without הסך הדעת- every step is guided.

התנאי הששי- a person must believe that no בריאה can harm or benefit you- you must realize that it’s not from the person, but from ה'. It’s a נסיון from ה'- don’t be upset at ה'. דוד understood that the צער had to come on him and that it’s from ה'. When a person has כעס, it’s like he’s כופר בה' because when he gets mad, he’s forgetting that it’s from ה'. When you put ה' into the picture, you’ll get rid of כעס.

מקורות sheet בודאי שהכעסן ענש- whoever has a brain in his head, he’ll run from כעס like a person runs from fire. Because of this bad מידה, he’ll be חייב on יום הדין in עוה''ב.

יט:יט גדל חמה- בעל כעס
נשא ענש- מקבל עונש
ועוד תוסיף- עוד יהי' עוד

מ''ד גדל חמה- why will a בעל כעס get punished? Because the nature of a בעל כעס is to do bad to someone who upsets him. If someone will try to save the person from the בעל כעס, the בעל כעס will get angrier. If he’s opposed, he’ll still find a way to do what he wanted to and he’ll get an עונש.

מאירי If you spoil a child, when he grows up, he’s going to be an angry frustrated person (גדל חמה) and will therefore get an עונש (נשא ענש). If you think that you are going to be able to fill in for him (כי אם תציל) like you did when he was little, there will be no end to it (ועוד תוסיף).

גר''א A child brought home a note from his רבי that he acted badly, and the father got so mad. This is the wrong reaction- don’t get mad. גדל חמה, נשא ענש- one who is mad should hold off the עונש. Then, when he does punish, it must be only with the intention of saving the child from a bad future (כי אם תציל). Only with this intention can you do so, and you can give the punishment in the little increments that the child needs (ועוד תוסיף). Do not act immediately and never punish out of anger!
We should keep in mind the way to be מחנך. Really, the system of hitting a child works well. Do not forget that you must exert enough power over the child. Just remember not to do it out of anger.

גדל חמה
כעסן מ''ד:
בן המפונק מאירי:
האב הכועס על בנו גר''א:

If you are בכעס, you lose your חכמה and if you’re a נביא you’ll lose your נבואה. Where do we learn this from?

יד:כט ארך אפים- אדם שלא כועס, סבלן
רב תבונה- יש לו הרבה חכמה
וקצר רוח- כעסן, בלי סבלנות
מרים אולת- מעלה טפשות

מ''ד If you are ארך אפים and don’t get mad quickly, you’ll be a חכם. If you’re a כעסן and quickly get angry, you are choosing טפשות over חכמה because anger causes טפשות.

We see this with משה and אלישע:
1. משה- when the בנות מדין were ב''י מחטיא in ערבות מואב, ה' told משה that ב''י should fight מואב. But ב''י killed the men and kept the woman alive. משה was angry that they kept the woman alive because the woman caused them to sin. After that, the תורה discusses הגלת כלים, which was taught by אליעזר and not משה because he lost his חכמה because he got mad.
2. אלישע- he lost his נבואה because he got mad. יורם מלך ישראל was a רשע and he went to battle against מואב. He asked יהושפט מלך יהודה to help him, and they went to fight together. But there were problems on the battlefield, soיורם said that they should ask אלישע. אלישע answered, “Why don’t you go ask your נביאי הבעל?” It was מוסר, but it was said out of anger. It says in the following פסוק, "ויבקש מנגו" to restore his נבואה.
If they got mad לש''ש, why were they punished?

שיחות מוסר They weren’t punished. It’s a cause and effect- because you are angry, you lose clarity. Why? Anger and impatience are a מצב where you are unable to think.

ר' יונה Someone who doesn’t act immediately and waits until his mind settles to take action, this waiting causes ישוב הדעת, which means that he has חכמה. "ומי שהוא ארך אפים הוא בעל ישוב".

כעס and מריבה in the house is compared to a little worm or bug that eats away at the house until it is destroyed. There are small things that come up and get between you until they eat away at you and destroy your whole relationship.

A brother who gets a פשע from his brother is as strong as poles that block the door.

יח:יט a brother who was hurt by his brotherאח נפשע-
מקרות עז- יותר מעיר חזקה
ומדנים- ומריבות
כברוח ארמון- כמנעול ארמון

ר' הירש Two ways to explain:
1. If someone’s brother gives him a פשע, it’s harder to be מפסיק the מריבה than to enter a strong city.
2. The מריבה between two brothers is like a rod that blocks the door so that you can’t enter. They have this metal rod- מנעול- by the king’s palace because it’s very strong. This rod stops a relationship.
Why is מחלוקת in the family so strong? Since you’re close, you are much more hurt and it makes a worse feeling.

מ''ד There’s an opposite translation:
1. Even though his brother did a פשע and hurt him, when something happens to his brother, he’ll hold onto him and support him like a fortified city.
2. מחלוקת between brothers is like the lock by the palace- although it may be put into place, it doesn’t ever stay there for so long. It’s always being opened again and again.

We see the two sides of the coin: According to ר' הירש, it’s very חמור. According to מ''ד, it’s not so serious. It’s important to know both sides- if you are the one who was hurt, remember מ''ד. If you’re the פושע, remember ר' הירש.

When a person gets angry, many things happen in his body. These things happen because if a person is in a dangerous situation, they help. But if the person is just getting annoyed, it will cause damage to the body.

ר' מלר כעס= עכס. כעס is a poison for our bodies.

י:יב תערר- תגרם
מדנים- מריבות
פשעים- חטאים
תכסה אהבה- מכסה אהבה

What causes fights to happen is not what occurs, but rather the lack of love between people.

מ''ד שנאה- the lack of love between people is what awakens these fights.

Even if a big thing happens, if it happens between friends, it doesn’t turn into such a big deal. We must work on loving and caring.

מלבי''ם שנאה תעורר מדנים- there is a difference between these three words:
1. ריב- the activity of fighting. This could be on something unimportant.
2. מריבה- the reason for the ריב.
3. מדון- if the reason for the ריב must be figured out in court. מדון- ל' דין. It means objective- it’s not a ריב, you just don’t know who’s right and who’s wrong. But even מדונים really aren’t objective- there are feelings between the two parties involved. People that are really close don’t allow things to become issues. אהבה can cover huge things.

רש''י When ב''י were in מצרים, they served ע''ז and despite this, ה' was willing to take them out. So why didn’t משה give them מוסר if they were leaving anyway? At certain times of אהבה, ה' will ignore חטאים. But when ב''י cause ה' not to be happy with them because they are חוטא and there’s a negative relationship, the old חטאים come up and old חשבונות come up. That’s why years later, יחזקאל gave ב''י מוסר for this.

"תקעו בחדש שופר בכסה ליום חגינו"- חדשו מעשיכם ומכסה אני על פשעיכם- if ב''י are in the right mode and are in a מצב of אהבה where they want to get close to ה', He judges them with כסוי עונות.

Sometimes, a person may have issues with something that someone did to them. It teaches us how to deal with it.

כה:ח לרב- להתקוטט
פן- שמא
באחריתה- בסופה
בהכלים- כאשר יביש

מ''ד אל תצא- don’t incite a fight quickly. First, you must investigate if what you thought happened actually happened. If you don’t check it out, you may blame someone for something that he didn’t really do- don’t jump! Take the time to check it out.

ט Once you’ve checked it out and you see that it’s true, how do you confront the person?

ריבך- הריב שלך
ריב- תריב
את- עם
אל תגל- לא לגלות

מ''ד ריבך ריב- even if you find him guilty after investigating, only discuss him- don’t bring in other family members, for example: your father was a robber, your grandfather was a robber…

א''ע Don’t bring in something that you’re not supposed to know about.

מאירי Don’t tell other people about the fight.


סוד של אחר מ''ד:
סוד אחר שידע לך א''ע:
סוד לאחר מאירי:

כו:יז מחזיק באזני כלב- כמו אדם שאוחז באזנים של הכלב
עבר מתעבר- הכועס
על ריב לא לו- על ריב של אחרים

מ''ד מחזיק באזני כלב- the טבע of a dog is that if it’s fighting with another dog and you try to pull it away, it will bite the hand that pulls it away. By coming into a fight, the person deflects the anger onto himself.

ילקוט שמוני This פסוק is talking about בלעם- ב''י and מואב were fighting. בלעם joined, and as a result, he got a worse punishment than בלק מלך מואב.

ר' חיים שמולוויץ- "חכמת נשים בנתה ביתה..."- this is referring to the wife of און בן פלת. "...אולת בידי' תהרסנה" - referring to the wife of קרח. Who was און בן פלת? He was with קרח, but not at the time that he was killed. Why not? Because of his wife. He told her what was going on and she said that this is the fight of קרח and משה, why are you getting yourself involved? But he was still נמשך בענין, so his wife put him to sleep and when the men came to get her husband, she uncovered her hair. What’s the great חכמה here that she’s who the פסוק is talking about? When there’s excitement brewing, it’s hard to think straight and you become a part of the anger.

כ:ג By keeping yourself out of ריב, you are brining כבוד to yourself.

שבת- שהוא נח
וכל אויל- וכל טפש
יחגלע- יהי' מתגלה לכל

מ''ד כבוד...- Why will he get כבוד? Because when people talk a lot during מריבה, their foolishness comes out.

ר' יונה "בשלשה דברים אדם ניכר: כסו, כוסו, כעסו"- there are three things through which you can really see a person:
1. How he spends his money.
2. When he gets drunk.
3. When he gets mad- does he say things that he wouldn’t usually say?

מלבי''ם Someone who enters a ריב because someone embarrassed him, he’ll just get more embarrassed and the purpose for which he entered won’t be fulfilled. Also, by entering, he is showing that there is some truth to the source of his embarrassment. Story- before WWII, the rav was considered the head of the community. The rav in א''י was R’ Yitzchak Zev Soloveitchik. There was an election between Zionists and Chareidim. The Zionists hung up bad signs. The Chareidim wanted to hang up signs to counter these, but R’ Soloveitchik said not to. In this election, the Chareidim won by a landslide.

יט:א שכל אדם- החכמה של האדם
האריך אפו- שהוא מאריך אף
ותפארתו- השבח הגדול והמעולה שלו
עבר על פשע- שהוא מוחל אנשים מפני החטאים שהוא עשו לו

מ''ד שכל האדם האריך אפו- the שכל of a person tells him not to start a fight.

ותפארתו- if he does this, people will praise him and say עבר על פשע.

גר''א There are two דרגות of a person who doesn’t get mad:
1. האריך אף- he fells bad, but he doesn’t want to make a fight so he controls himself.
2. עבר על פשע- in his heart, it’s all totally clear.
Clear logic dictates not to get mad, but the real שבח on a person is when he can completely forgive. On these people it says, "ואהביו נמצאת השמש בגברתו". What’s the connection between this פסוק and the person who is מוחל? The moon was trying to minimize the sun and by not answering back, the sun got bigger. The same thing applies by חרפה- sometimes, it feels like you have been minimized or diminished, but by not answering back, you are much bigger and greater.

טז:לב טוב ארך אפים- טוב מאריך אך
מגבור- מאדם שכובש אנשים
ומושל ברוחו- כובש כעסו
מלוכד עיר- מאדם שהוא כובש עיר

מלבי''ם טוב ארך אפים מגבור- why is he considered stronger? Because fighting an external enemy isn’t harder than fighting an internal enemy.

רש''י מושל ברוחו- he is כובש his יצר.

גר''א What’s the difference between a גבור and לוכד עיר? The גבור kills people, but the לוכד עיר wants them, so he doesn’t destroy them.
A person has two כוחות that are מקורות for this חטאים:
1. כוח הכעסני
2. כוח התאוני
An ארך אפים is greater than a גיבור even though they are both functioning in the same way. The גיבור is eradicating the enemy and the ארך אפים is eradicating his anger. A מושל ברוחו and לוכד עיר are put together because they both want the thing, they’re just reigning it in and putting it under their control. We have תאוות, but we must desire to do the right thing.